And so it's stands....I've taken that leap of faith. Many of you know that I am deeply moved, touched and inspired by music. All kinds of music. When I say all kinds, I mean every genre you can think of. I have been known to go from CeCe Winans all the way to Metallica, mixed up with some Lady GaGa and good ol' Frank Sinatra, only to bounce one more time to some old school rap like Whodini without skipping a beat in between. Many of you know that I dabble a little with instruments. You have not lived until you've heard me belt out one of my 3-chord-songs after a night of slinging back shots with Sammie! That is an event not to be missed! If anything, it will give you a good laugh which is a great thing to be remembered for!
Many of you also know that I have twiddled on the piano, playing just a little by ear....VERY little....I know a little about every instrument after tinkering around with a few here and there. I also know a little bit about the violin. Maybe I know a medium bit about the violin. When I was a young 4th grader, and I say young because I have a November birthday and started school when I was four, an orchestra came to our school and played for us. It was the first time I had seen any kind of live music. The only music I had really even heard was top 40 from the '70s or country music.
The day the orchestra came to my school to recruit us into the strings program was a day that I will never forget. I was so impressed with the power, the emotion, the drive that these musicians played with. I had to do it....that was it I had made up my mind!! I WAS DOING IT! With the wind in my scraggly hair, running as fast as I could, all the way home I could barely contain my giddiness. I burst through the door with my permission slip in hand and announced to my mother that I was going to play the Viola! That's right....the VIOLA. It wasn't so high and squeaky like the violin, but it wasn't quite as throaty as a cello. My mother signed my permission slip and it would only be a few weeks before I could hold that viola and make it sing! I couldn't wait. I didn't choose to play because I wanted to be famous. I didn't choose to play because my parents strong armed me. I chose to play because I wanted something beautiful to come from me ....straight from my heart.
The first day of class was filled with students! To this day, I have never seen so many string players in one room! We were asked to make three even lines. We did. The first line got the cellos. Glad I wasn't in that line! (though now I would love to play one!) Then the viola line. Wait.....I wasn't in that line! My heart sank and I could feel the roll of the tsunami in my throat and the silent thud in my ears as I realized I was in the violin line! I rationalized my choice....maybe they will have extras, maybe I can sneak over if I just tip toe like this..."CRYSTAL GET BACK IN LINE"....crap. I folded my arms across my chest and lowered my head to sulk. The violas ran out. The rest of the people in their line had been moved over to my line. Oh great! Now I might not get anything! That was just the way things went for me. Disappointment, always left out, shoved to the back of the line, pushed to the side, kids cut in front of me and it made me really ....sad. I wanted to cry, but of course, I always cry so I better suck it up and just stand there and pretend to not care. My fear was then realized......I would not be able to have something beautiful come from me afterall.
Needless to say that is a pretty personal look into a very sad little heart. But in the end, I got a violin and I was grateful for having the opportunity to learn something no one else I knew could be better at than me! My fear ....was silenced.
Time went on, I practiced everyday. Most of the time willingly, sometimes begrudgingly. I took private lessons for three years but we moved a few times. That made it hard to find a teacher I clicked with. Believe me, that is crucial to how well you learn. At least for me it is. I like everyone, but not everyone likes me. I auditioned for county orchestras, played at the Kennedy Center in DC a few times with them and I did really well. I was no Itzhak Perlman, but I could hold my own! Over time, life happened, it became less important to me to play. I went into the Navy, had a child, then another, then another, then another (ok one is my step daughter lol) and there was little time for even a shower, much less an instrument! You can't just ...pick it up, fiddle around and be done in 5 minutes! It is a craft that has to be nurtured and studied. You have to feel what you are doing equally with mastering the technique and intricacies of reading music all the time while listening to the others around you. Anyway....I put it down completely. I left it there. In the case. In the dark. In the closet. Alone. And with it I left my safe outlet for anxiety, my inlet for serenity, my inner peace, my happy place that it always took me to.
The next fifteen years were a little dark for me. It was about the 14th or 15th year that my husband decided I was stressed out. I needed a hobby. I have no clue why he would've thought that, though. I mean hell...3 kids, sometimes four, all under the age of 10, him in and out to sea, and a long distance move to Iceland while he was deployed. This chain of events made me go a little bonkers one day with a hammer on the kitchen counter. Fucking counter....(for the family reading this...I apologize for my vulgarity)So Tim, in all his intuitive greatness, gave me an electric violin for Christmas that year. OOHHH EMMM GEEE!! Seriously!?!?!?! It was like that day the orchestra came to play! See...even though my music tastes span all genres...I'm really a hot rock guitarist trapped in a geeky violinists body! Not only was there an amp....there ...were...distortion...pedals (I just fainted all over again)So what! So I like to play grungy stuff on my fiddle! I can play it pretty too sometimes! Since it had been so long since I had played, I really had to relearn everything from the beginning. It's totally NOT like riding a bike! You WILL lose it if you don't use it! As I began to play more and more, the feeling of peace and joy came back to my heart. If I had a bad day....I would play. Then I would feel better. If I had a good day....I would play and generally make more progress! It's just the euphoric feeling that creating music brings to me. It's nothing I can explain with simple words. I FEEL life through music instead of living it. Does that make a connection with you?
So this brings me to my point. I have just asked for lessons from Alex DePue - and if you don't know who he is - shame on you - get to YouTube and search him. He is fantastic!! Truely a classical rockstar. You have to hear him to know what I mean. I would love to be able to perform again. Unfortunately, my stage fright and hiatus from the committment has relinquished me to performing for dust bunnies. Since I'm still in the re-conditioning phase of my journey, I am hoping that he can help me improve my technique enough to where I can again....have something beautiful come out of me. If through my music, I could only make you feel the way I felt the day the orchestra came, you would be able to see that I do have something beautiful coming out of me.
Thanks for reading!
Crystal
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Spread The Love...
When I was ten or eleven years old, I moved from Charleston, SC to Bowie, MD. Growing up as a Navy kid, I always enjoyed travelling and moving because I absolutely love meeting new people and seeing new places. I was particularly excited about this move because my father had just retired from the Navy and now we would be a "real" family and he would no longer have to go to sea and be away so long. Oh how I missed him being there when he was gone! We bought a big house in a beautiful neighborhood and I immediately made friends with a girl my age that lived two houses up. Her name was Dottie and we had the best time playing and riding our bikes! I started middle school there going into the seventh grade. In eighth grade, I was somewhat of a go-getter and remember perching myself at my assigned lunch table next to two very shy girls. Ronda and Kimmie! Being the outgoing person I have always been, I greeted them with a hearty "HI! I'm Crystal!" They just looked at me like I head five heads. I was bewildered and just kept talking. They kept looking at each other, then back at me, then at each other again and never really said anything to me! It didn't matter, I just kept talking like I had known them forever! Kimmie and I became fast friends and I remember thinking to myself how incredibly kind she was.
In eighth grade I met Michelle...my little Michelle. She was very petite and had the best sense of humor. She had an air about her that was much like my own. She loved life, she loved to laugh and be silly, she loved music. Best of all, she was outlandishly brazen and liked to take risks that the rest of us were just in awe over! That was exciting and new to me! Risks?! OKAY LETS DO IT! Me, Kimmie & Michelle were the three amigos for the next 5 years! I will save all the scandalous stories that wove their ways through our lives and built our bonds for a much later time. This entry isn't to highlight our rebelliousness.
After high school, we remained close friends, but over the years we fell out of each other's circles through moves, relationships and following our own separate lives. Every few years, we would get back in touch, catch up and go back to our own lives. We never really rejoined each other's circles, but we still had so many wonderful memories to recount and relive together. Our years together as teenagers truely was a magical time. The three of us shared a tremendous amount of grief, struggle, and silliness that connected us in ways I thought unimaginable. Without the two of them, I would not be who I am today. The both of them are smart, caring beautiful women that I have always adored!
2009 was our twentieth high school reunion! Early in the year, several people were reconnected through Facebook and the nostalgia for old times came rolling in. It had been about ten years since I had seen or talked to either of my bffs. I remember feeling a little guilty for letting things go that long. So....being who I am....I needed to find them once again. Kimmie was easy to find and just knowing that she missed me and still loved me was all I needed. I was glad to know that she is happy and well. I wasn't able to find Michelle though. I looked in phonebooks, searched newspapers, googled her, checked MySpace and Facebook but just couldn't find her. None of us that had been close to her as teens could seem to pin her down any sooner that about 8-10 years ago. At that point, I kind of gave up and figured I would find her eventually as I always did.
Life went on and then last week, Joannie sent me a message on Facebook. "Have you heard anything from Michelle? I just came across her son's page and it said RIP Mom" MY HEART SANK...I mean the kind of plummeting, sick, scared, hurt kind of sank. Joannie and I searched the obituaries and found that Michelle's x-husband had passed this last April but nothing about her. Joannie was a little leary about contacting Michelle's son since she hadn't been in contact with Michelle in so long. Especially since it seemed as though Michelle may have just recently passed. Neither of us wanted to intrude in her family's lives at such a terrible time. I decided to throw caution to the wind and send Michelle's son a message. To my incredible dismay, it was true. Michelle had passed this July 4th after an illness.
So I tell you all of this because I am wondering how many of us are missing someone in our lives that we always say..."Oh I'll do it tomorrow" or "What if they don't want to talk to me?" or..."Will they remember me??" PUHHHHLEASE! People get real....reach out....spread the love...be connected. Life is too short to wait! I never thought in a million years to connect with her through her children on Facebook and honestly I'm pissed at myself for missing the opportunity to tell Michelle that I loved her and I have missed her wisdom, love and support all these years! There have been SO many times that I needed both her and Kimmie to laugh with, to relax with, to bask in that ever-glow of eternal friendship. To feel recharged and comforted and to simply sit and have a drink (or two or three or twelve) with. Being a Navy veteran, and married to a sailor, I have missed out on having close friends because of our umpteen-thousand moves. Sure I have made good friends along the way (my Sammie-poo being the best) but when you're a military spouse, you only let people get so close. Oh to have the comfort and love of an old friend who knows EVERYTHING about your WHOLE life is an amazing gift that we should all nurture just a little bit more. It's so easy to isolate, it's so easy to withdraw, but how much fuller would your life be - how much fuller would my life be now if I had searched for her just a little bit longer, a little bit harder?
I dont feel guilty about not finding my little Michelle until it was too late because I know in my soul that she knew how much I love her and how much I have missed her. She knows how much she meant to me. I do feel sad that I will never have the opportunity to bring her back into my circle. I do feel sad that she will never know my kids and that I have missed out on knowing hers! I do feel sad that she leaves behind 3 great kids who must be so lost right now. In life there is death, in death there is grief, in grief there are tens of thousands of epiphanies waiting to transpire. If you wait to love people, you will lose out on so much of life and living. That is the butt-ugly truth.
Crystal
In eighth grade I met Michelle...my little Michelle. She was very petite and had the best sense of humor. She had an air about her that was much like my own. She loved life, she loved to laugh and be silly, she loved music. Best of all, she was outlandishly brazen and liked to take risks that the rest of us were just in awe over! That was exciting and new to me! Risks?! OKAY LETS DO IT! Me, Kimmie & Michelle were the three amigos for the next 5 years! I will save all the scandalous stories that wove their ways through our lives and built our bonds for a much later time. This entry isn't to highlight our rebelliousness.
After high school, we remained close friends, but over the years we fell out of each other's circles through moves, relationships and following our own separate lives. Every few years, we would get back in touch, catch up and go back to our own lives. We never really rejoined each other's circles, but we still had so many wonderful memories to recount and relive together. Our years together as teenagers truely was a magical time. The three of us shared a tremendous amount of grief, struggle, and silliness that connected us in ways I thought unimaginable. Without the two of them, I would not be who I am today. The both of them are smart, caring beautiful women that I have always adored!
2009 was our twentieth high school reunion! Early in the year, several people were reconnected through Facebook and the nostalgia for old times came rolling in. It had been about ten years since I had seen or talked to either of my bffs. I remember feeling a little guilty for letting things go that long. So....being who I am....I needed to find them once again. Kimmie was easy to find and just knowing that she missed me and still loved me was all I needed. I was glad to know that she is happy and well. I wasn't able to find Michelle though. I looked in phonebooks, searched newspapers, googled her, checked MySpace and Facebook but just couldn't find her. None of us that had been close to her as teens could seem to pin her down any sooner that about 8-10 years ago. At that point, I kind of gave up and figured I would find her eventually as I always did.
Life went on and then last week, Joannie sent me a message on Facebook. "Have you heard anything from Michelle? I just came across her son's page and it said RIP Mom" MY HEART SANK...I mean the kind of plummeting, sick, scared, hurt kind of sank. Joannie and I searched the obituaries and found that Michelle's x-husband had passed this last April but nothing about her. Joannie was a little leary about contacting Michelle's son since she hadn't been in contact with Michelle in so long. Especially since it seemed as though Michelle may have just recently passed. Neither of us wanted to intrude in her family's lives at such a terrible time. I decided to throw caution to the wind and send Michelle's son a message. To my incredible dismay, it was true. Michelle had passed this July 4th after an illness.
So I tell you all of this because I am wondering how many of us are missing someone in our lives that we always say..."Oh I'll do it tomorrow" or "What if they don't want to talk to me?" or..."Will they remember me??" PUHHHHLEASE! People get real....reach out....spread the love...be connected. Life is too short to wait! I never thought in a million years to connect with her through her children on Facebook and honestly I'm pissed at myself for missing the opportunity to tell Michelle that I loved her and I have missed her wisdom, love and support all these years! There have been SO many times that I needed both her and Kimmie to laugh with, to relax with, to bask in that ever-glow of eternal friendship. To feel recharged and comforted and to simply sit and have a drink (or two or three or twelve) with. Being a Navy veteran, and married to a sailor, I have missed out on having close friends because of our umpteen-thousand moves. Sure I have made good friends along the way (my Sammie-poo being the best) but when you're a military spouse, you only let people get so close. Oh to have the comfort and love of an old friend who knows EVERYTHING about your WHOLE life is an amazing gift that we should all nurture just a little bit more. It's so easy to isolate, it's so easy to withdraw, but how much fuller would your life be - how much fuller would my life be now if I had searched for her just a little bit longer, a little bit harder?
I dont feel guilty about not finding my little Michelle until it was too late because I know in my soul that she knew how much I love her and how much I have missed her. She knows how much she meant to me. I do feel sad that I will never have the opportunity to bring her back into my circle. I do feel sad that she will never know my kids and that I have missed out on knowing hers! I do feel sad that she leaves behind 3 great kids who must be so lost right now. In life there is death, in death there is grief, in grief there are tens of thousands of epiphanies waiting to transpire. If you wait to love people, you will lose out on so much of life and living. That is the butt-ugly truth.
Crystal
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
First Things First...
6/23/2010
There are quite a few things I could start this blog off with. I could start by telling you a few stories that friends relay to me throughout the day. I could tell you about my day job and how intensely satisfying it is, but how I hate having to be there at 7am. I could write in quite a bit of depth about my recent move from the east coast to the west coast, but alas, THAT saga is still in motion and not a story ready to be told. So how about I start with just a little bit about what I would like to get out of this blog.
I wanted a place to really tell it like it is. Not neccessarily in an offensive way, but in a way that gets to the meat of the matter without being overly in-your-face. I mean really...think about it. How many times during the day do you bite your tongue because "it isn't quite the appropriate thing to say"? How many times have you just wanted to say to someone "Are you seriously complaining about (insert dumbass thing here)?" Lets face it. Our friends ask for advice everyday. Sometimes their issues are pretty intense. Sometimes their issues are incredibly shallow. Do you go for the gusto, tell it like it is, or do you water it down with alot of fluff? Afraid to hurt their feelings? Send them to me and relieve yourself of having to tell them the butt ugly truth.
Here there will be no sugar coating. It will just be whatever it is. Nothing more, nothing less. I originally intended on this being an advice column of sorts. But the possibilities are really much bigger than that.
Today my advice to you is to free yourself. Think about what's been bothering you and what's holding you back from taking the next step. Now, get off your ass and tell me about it. Life isn't getting any longer, friend! You are wasting time worrying and weighing on that one certain thing! If you don't find some resolution soon I just know that you are going to blow up like a porcupine and the rest of us will get stuck with those spikey little quill thingys and that ain't cool!
How this will work: Email me your stories, worries, problems, needs for advice at thebuttuglytruth@gmail.com. Please use a fictitious name when emailing in order to protect your own identity, if you so wish.
What I WILL do: Recant or summarize your deal on my blog with a response coming from my own life experiences or from other's experiences that have had a postive outcome. I'm always going to come from an angle of RIGHT vs. WRONG. I will always do my best to protect your anonymity.
What I WONT do: Release your email address without your consent nor will I directly identify you in a blog....unless you specifically request me too.....weird...I don't know why anyone would do that lol ((shrug))
There are quite a few things I could start this blog off with. I could start by telling you a few stories that friends relay to me throughout the day. I could tell you about my day job and how intensely satisfying it is, but how I hate having to be there at 7am. I could write in quite a bit of depth about my recent move from the east coast to the west coast, but alas, THAT saga is still in motion and not a story ready to be told. So how about I start with just a little bit about what I would like to get out of this blog.
I wanted a place to really tell it like it is. Not neccessarily in an offensive way, but in a way that gets to the meat of the matter without being overly in-your-face. I mean really...think about it. How many times during the day do you bite your tongue because "it isn't quite the appropriate thing to say"? How many times have you just wanted to say to someone "Are you seriously complaining about (insert dumbass thing here)?" Lets face it. Our friends ask for advice everyday. Sometimes their issues are pretty intense. Sometimes their issues are incredibly shallow. Do you go for the gusto, tell it like it is, or do you water it down with alot of fluff? Afraid to hurt their feelings? Send them to me and relieve yourself of having to tell them the butt ugly truth.
Here there will be no sugar coating. It will just be whatever it is. Nothing more, nothing less. I originally intended on this being an advice column of sorts. But the possibilities are really much bigger than that.
Today my advice to you is to free yourself. Think about what's been bothering you and what's holding you back from taking the next step. Now, get off your ass and tell me about it. Life isn't getting any longer, friend! You are wasting time worrying and weighing on that one certain thing! If you don't find some resolution soon I just know that you are going to blow up like a porcupine and the rest of us will get stuck with those spikey little quill thingys and that ain't cool!
How this will work: Email me your stories, worries, problems, needs for advice at thebuttuglytruth@gmail.com. Please use a fictitious name when emailing in order to protect your own identity, if you so wish.
What I WILL do: Recant or summarize your deal on my blog with a response coming from my own life experiences or from other's experiences that have had a postive outcome. I'm always going to come from an angle of RIGHT vs. WRONG. I will always do my best to protect your anonymity.
What I WONT do: Release your email address without your consent nor will I directly identify you in a blog....unless you specifically request me too.....weird...I don't know why anyone would do that lol ((shrug))
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